NOW

tales from the crypt #1

2009-12-20T23:41:56Z

i cleaned out the stove cos it was full of mice shit
and i dont want shit pizza
hmm that smells like gas?
oh right, of course it wouldnt work. silly me

every day i stay here i get further away from my goal-
this city life has really got me down
i need the sun, the warmth, my bike, the outside
i need to make pizza in my own kitchen
not my parent's play house

i am trying to stay calm
and i'm determined to ride tonight
i dont care how fucking cold it is
or how dark
maybe i'll get my deathwish

the answer lies within

2009-12-06T03:59:31Z

some times you have to moan when nothing seems to suit you

oh yeah, i'm going to ride on the back of my brother's bike, freeze my ass off, and get really psyched about my life

mxrnxng_bxll @ 2009-11-28T11:37:00

2009-11-28T17:36:52Z

it seems like i never know what to do
i try one thing
and it doesnt work out.
my bad, i'm sorry.
try another and now its changed.
why am i so fucking stupid?

teenager from mars

2009-11-19T17:39:07Z

Slowly creeping out, i hope no one notices
everything is piecing itself together
as my haus gets more and more empty
oh wait, i really am moving?
i really am going around the world
and have about 28 days of work left?
ha!

death meditation: if you were going to die later tonight
what would you do today?
(yes it's cliche but it hits so hard)
would i be sitting here typing this entry?
no, of course not
but removing all the unnecessary from your life is the point
to where you really wouldnt mind if you died, cos you'd be doing exactly what you want
This is a mediation from a book i recently just read,
called the diamond cutter by geshe michael roach
i dont feel as if i talk about things or objects but this is something i think everyone breathing should read
it took me a while to pick it up, and only started reading it cos it's not mine
i shied away from the 'business' side of it
what does business and buddhism have to do with each other? nothing.
He uses it as an example only, and brings up alot of great points.
Even if you dont feel spiritual, religious, it's still a great philosophy book and the worst that will happen is you might be a bit more nice to people.
I'm not big on religion but have been feeling pretty hollow, always thinking on the shit side of the fence
"why bother" and "it's pointless"- but why be miserable about it?
Why let it bother you if it all really is pointless?
Just looking on the other side of the fence and just letting it slide.

http://www.amazon.com/Diamond-Cutter-Strategies-Managing-Business/dp/0385497903

sons of anarchy

2009-10-31T07:19:27Z

Shadow functions
Later personality researchers (notably Linda V. Berens) added four additional functions to the descending hierarchy, the so-called "shadow" functions to which the individual is not naturally inclined but which can emerge when the person is under stress. For INFJ these shadow functions are (in order):

Extraverted Intuition (Ne): Ne finds and interprets hidden meanings, using “what if” questions to explore alternatives, allowing multiple possibilities to coexist. This imaginative play weaves together insights and experiences from various sources to form a new whole, which can then become a catalyst to action.

Introverted Feeling (Fi): Fi filters information based on interpretations of worth, forming judgments according to criteria that are often intangible. Fi constantly balances an internal set of values such as harmony and authenticity. Attuned to subtle distinctions, Fi innately senses what is true and what is false in a situation.

Extraverted Thinking (Te): Te organizes and schedules ideas and the environment to ensure the efficient, productive pursuit of objectives. Te seeks logical explanations for actions, events, and conclusions, looking for faulty reasoning and lapses in sequence.

Introverted Sensing (Si): Si collects data in the present moment and compares it with past experiences, a process that sometimes evokes the feelings associated with memory, as if the subject were reliving it. Seeking to protect what is familiar, Si draws upon history to form goals and expectations about what will happen in the future.

***
hardboiling eggs to make a meal?
what is the appeal of 'out' again?
please, remind me.

i think my shadow is the asshole other half in me
looking for the facts i lack in my 'vivid inner life'
i think i need another poncho
just sayin'

I want to sing Wonderwall to someone and mean it

2009-10-23T06:10:44Z

I've been feeling better lately
i just stopped caring as much
it feels good

riding a motorcycle is not as hard as i expected
it feels pretty good so far
and i cant wait until it feels even better

San Francisco to LA
To Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand
To Amsterdam, Berlin, Paris, Amsterdam
To New York to Boston To Chicago
then to Austin!

By my half birthday i will be living in a different state
the gravity, right?

lonely with someone just alone by myself

2009-10-14T17:21:15Z

on the walk to work today
today just now

this is turning out to be a lot harder than i thought.
but isnt everything?
fucking lifeeeee
IF
fuck l(i)o(f)ve
oh whatever it doesnt matter

it's the internet it's greetings it's adios
YOU WANTED THIS
and it just reminds me of before
of exactly how i felt
how i'll feel forever
i grow balls and then they want you
you sent me out of your house when i was sick
and it was cold
and speaking of tears freezing on my face

this is stupid and pathetic and i'm never EVER fucking getting myself into something like this
get a backwards reminder tattooed on my fucking forehead
REHTOB T'NOD

da gravity of life

2009-10-13T16:18:15Z

i love being able to read other people's writing
journals i wish i could get my hands on and devour
i was reading some of your writing on your website
and thought there is this whole other side of him
i've never known, and will never know.
i have been caught up in thoughts such as this lately
and find myself struggling to get free
how you think you are so big or important
and it just, everyone EVERYTHING around you
is doing it too
there isnt anything special about it
its happening like it's happenED and WILL happen
Be Here Now?

i am trying to get on a path that will take me there.

Dont tread on me

2009-09-17T15:59:21Z

i will fucking destroy if you ever try to fuck with me again.
i dare you.

trust me, i have been holding in alot these days.

hands up if you think you're the only one

2009-09-15T06:44:26Z

goddamnit
i just, dont want to.
i think i'm thinking of the good things now
i hope i never get myself into this shit again
i can see why it happens now
nothing seems to surprise me with age anymore
reminds me of anais nin
"i cried because i could not believe anymore"
so here i go!
buying a moto
moving alone
doing what i want
i hope i dont fuck this up (truly)
i cant rely on a relationship to fill that void

NEVER QUITE SURE

i'm having a quarter life crisis

2009-08-26T16:49:49Z

i wish i was drinking coffee in my bathrobe, while watching 8 1/2

anyone know of a good cave for sale?

2009-08-22T05:08:46Z

looks like chukka boots are not in my very near future.

bummer!

ah, the weekend nights alone
done with a bath
beer in the freezer
pizza in the oven
josh says drum lessons via craigs list
no one is working, find someone with a studio
i am serious about this (!)

let's find out

and maybe a 200cc in the nearer future?

mxrnxng_bxll @ 2009-08-10T03:09:00

2009-08-10T08:31:12Z

yes i loved you and now it's all falling apart

FUCK THIS
FUCK YOU
i begged and i pleaded and i begged and i pleaded
and nothing
NOW IT'S FUCKING CONVENIENT
for you
cos why? there's a threat
but not before?
my love has never been a question otherwise
but fuck it
it's fine it's always fine fine fine fine
things are good
what a load of bullshit crap
fucking fed lies to make who feel better
i dont even know anymore
no matter what ultimately i know i will be alone
why i try to convince myself of anything otherwise is beyond me
i want to believe, really hope and believe that there is that special someone
that i can talk to, touch, someone who i could be with
WHO I WOULDNT FEEL SO FUCKING STRANGE AROUND
...................
listeningto ok computer, trying to make sense of all of this
is there sense?
it's not working out, right?
like my right arm's not working out
i cant fucking cut it off
but thats what this is like cos it's what it is always like
at the same time i'm so glad i cant remember anything from before
block it out
stop caring
it means nothing
and whatever assorted shit to keep myself at bay from my self
i feel like a failure
yet again (surprise)
i cant even think right now, looking for a sign thom
anytime now

fuck.

seahorse

2009-08-07T06:19:57Z

yep here it goes i think
(i really hope not)
i'm trying to brace myself for it
it's going to fucking suck
i love you- yeah, truly i do.
i dont want this to come between us
or anything
but it's just, it's off and we both know it
it sucks.

Flat out sucks.

you think you know but you are never quite sure

2009-07-20T18:51:58Z

"no everything is not bogus all the time"
is what i've been trying to tell myself lately.
i dont know if i think that to just keep moving
feelings of being ditched, not as optimistic as before
since i'm trying to tell you something that's important to me
after patiently listening to you
nothing in return, i got to go
yeah i gotta go too.
you ever get that feeling, like you're being lied to?
i feel like i've been lying to myself
not a picture perfect shiny machine like i wanted it to be
you dont want to marry me anyways
(i wouldnt marry me either)
but part of me thinks, really? why fucking bother then?
let's just get on with it already
i already know what you'll tell me too
it's for how many more days?
and then what?
yeah part of me is scared
and terrified
do it to them before they do it to you
right?

here we go again:
knuckle tattoos & learn how to play the drums

mxrnxng_bxll @ 2009-06-29T00:58:00

2009-06-29T05:59:01Z

sometimes i just dont get it

YES!

2009-06-26T15:24:49Z

pentagram
shellac
sunnO))

should be a good week

i need a magic 8 ball to help me decide my day

2009-06-26T15:08:32Z

sometimes i have cunning wit

not very often.

honestly?

2009-06-23T06:10:05Z

all the who's are there
but the why's are unclear

three good movies
funny comic ideas/great pens
two good books about motorcycles
how do i decide?

she's crafty like ice is cold

2009-06-21T09:27:08Z

i've been really excited about music lately, it's something i havent felt in a while
getting asked about my hoodie, which never happens
purchasing an ipod and finally joining 200_?
the latter being the best part, i'm so glad i can relax anywhere with it
that's the point right?
i had the pleasure of seeing cult ritual on friday night
which was great, i havent had fun at a show in years
(sad to say)
i was grinning like a moron after this kid dove from the bar onto onlookers
i loved how tight they were, HOW FUCKING LOUD
it was, hearing my ears ring tonight was reassuring.
getting flyers, seeing other shows happening,
i think i might just go for the hell of it
very psyched for mind eraser
a want to sharpen the signal
heighten the sense
on top of it at any given moment
i wish it was safe to ride
you just cant if you want to maintain a certain speed level
3am is cool but not any other time
the south side is by far the best for late night riding.
so late night you are up now typing this, listening to the birds chirp
"let's find the most comfortable couch"
i need to get on a good sleeping schedule.

you're searching for your mind dont know where to start*

2009-06-12T15:16:28Z

i feel like whenever i write in here i'm so fucking vague
no i'm not "OKAY" right now
i dont know, 10, 11 days you've been gone
i'm not psyched really
i'm not really ok, even though they ask and i pretend
who wants to hear about your worries about your boyfriend cheating cos he could
and i havent talked to you in over 24 hours
and now i'm working myself into a frenzy
writing in a stupid notebook to push it down and away
dont think about it, it's not going to change anything
i wish i wouldnt have read andy's post about the racoon
i cant take that shit either.
i cried my eyes out shooting a handgun at paper
and to fucking think of putting a noose on ANYTHING
how?HOWWW

it makes me even more mad i cant figure out if this is how i feel
or if it's the fucking birth control talking.
get emotionally upset
put on black sabbath
smoke weed to calm down
repeat
sometimes i really cant stand living
going through the motions
faking this bullshit over and over again
for what?
i want to move
i stay for him
i'm here for, a year and a half longer
what am i thinking?
DO I EVEN KNOW ANYMORE?
(repeat)

*cant find the key to fit the lock on your heart
you think you know but you are never quite sure
your soul is ill but you will not find a cure

nibiru

2009-06-06T05:18:32Z

being comfortable
space time layers string theory
music that's passionate
going to those extremes
summer riding clipless
afternoons off beach time?
reading
growing understanding
alone one
the man with no name
rapidograph detail blackasFUCK
when i'm away, she puts her makeup on the shelf
keeping a pma
i know i make it what i want

"sevenexcutionstylemurders"ihavenoremorsecosi'mthefuckinmurdererhaventyoueverheard of a killer?

2009-05-07T02:55:51Z

so i try my hardest to just do what makes me happy, that's all i can really do.
no guilt, regret
it's so pointless
just let it go.

so it goes
let go.

four minutes til shower time

2009-04-14T14:35:58Z

i dont know why i make all this food for breakfast if i cant even eat it all

Z is going in june to tour
and i think i'll finally have the time in the world to
get my own shit together
i'm going to start racing in northbrook and i just put together a set of wheels in need of true (formula hubs/fusion rims) which is exciting
hopefully will purchase another bike to tour on as well
new mexico looks mighty fine right now
but after all the journal writing promises that i'd get the hell out of this daley shit hole
i think itll finally happen.
t minus 381 days

thanks jess for posting this- it's a wonderful reminder.

2009-01-13T15:16:40Z

Here's the thing: everyone's life sucks in some way.
Maybe you go through shitty periods or you have to struggle with something on a daily basis. No matter how often shit sucks, it's going to suck at some point because that's just the way human life is.

And since everyone is dealing with tons of crap on their own (whether other people know what they're dealing with or not), I never understood people who made a show of proving to everyone how much worse their lives are or constantly complaining about the hand they were dealt.

I think it's kind of shitty when people assume positive people are stupid or naieve for their life outlook. I think it's entirely too easy for people to just whine about stuff and let all the awful stuff in the world consume them; it takes a lot more strength and intelligence to be able to look at all the crap in the world and still face it every day with a smile and a plan to do what you can to improve it.

I just don't get people who are so selfish they refuse to look beyond their own suffering to see that everyone else in the world is in the same boat. And the people who can't see that their suffering is nothing compared to what others are dealing with. And fuck you if you think you're being ~intellectual~ by just talking about how shit sucks or how meaninful your depression is and not even trying to think of ways to change it.

I'm not trying to say that I don't complain about stupid shit or that I don't get bummed out or lazy, but at least I'm aware of it and I try to do my part. There are way too many things to enjoy and appreciate; there are way too many reasons to smile despite everything else. Why wouldn't you want to see that?